I was wrong

I was told I was wrong
so many times
I believed it

My instincts got blinded
by everything
my strength weakened

I wanted to change all of me
and fit into you
because I thought I was wrong

My fearlessness kept me going
my hard head refused to settle
Even though I was convinced I was wrong

I fought with myself
I watched myself bleed
but even being wrong felt wrong

I kept my search
through the wrongness
and kept fighting with all my strength

I knocked down all possibilities
I accepted all the help I could get
Buddha, Krishna, Jesus... whoever I need help.

Then a sudden reassurance
A sudden peace
was delivered to me

Maybe no one will ever believe
Maybe I'll always be popularly wrong
But it no longer diminishes who I am

Because now I know with all my might
I was wrong about being right.

Not today

Things have changed
They shouldn't have
I'm trying to hold on to every last bit
But I am not as strong as I wish

When love shows up
I cannot shut the door
Sometimes my heart tells me
It cannot handle it at all
I don't listen

I was born willing
To try
To jump into the nothingness
To love a stranger
To hold on to an ex
I was born with the will to do that

Sometimes
I wish I had the will to say no

I fight it everyday
Because I wonder
How much can my heart take
How much can my body resist

I am stronger than any of them
This I know
But I want someone stronger than me
So I don't have to hold on for two

Because my hands hurt
Because my torso is being ripped by the weight
Because I don't need to

I chose to hold on
Because of love
And understanding
I have too much of that
We can agree

I'm sorry that I have loved you too much
And loved me so little

One day this will all make sense
Just not today

Tania

Mortality?

I guess I really did need to disconnect. Last time I wrote was last June, almost a year ago.  I can't sleep tonight.  I have so much in my head running around.  I can't help to keep thinking of mortality.  I think about it more than the average person. I keep thinking about the fears I have and how insignificant they seem when I think about mortality. If we all lived aware that one day we would die... Would we be afraid of choices? Afraid of opening ourselves up to new promising love? Would we be afraid of trying new things? Would we be afraid of the choices we have made for ourselves even when they don't make logical sense?  Would we be afraid of the good? Would we be afraid of the bad? Would fear even exist?

If I knew I was going to die tomorrow I would seek pain to feel one last time. I'd seek love, the biggest and most intense kind to experience one more time. I would remember the best people I've met and want to spend the rest of time with them. I would eat the best food money could buy and would not skip a meal. I would write a letter to everyone that has loved me and thank them. I would touch people more often, give more hugs.  I would be more compassionate for other people's choices.  I would be more giving. I would be more trusting. I'd love more people.  I'd give more peace and avoid doubt.  I would talk less and listen more.  

So why is it so hard to live like that now?


Tania

Disconnected

Lately I've been wanting to disconnect from life and the world. This happens to me every once in a while. I think this is partly part of my creative process. This is usually the moment when life makes the less sense and because I can't make logic of anything... I chose to disappear/disconnect. I usually have nothing interesting to say or energy to entertain thoughts or people. That's why I usually lay away in the dark preferably. Usually this is followed by great discovery or release of some sort. Accompanied by... ART! It is a very difficult time. And difficult to explain to people that want to be there for me, difficult for me to explain... there is nothing to be here for because there is nothing to be done or said. Just time to be spent with my soul.

I was reading a letter a friend wrote to me back in '07, in it he says something that I am still trying to take in. And I think today I may be closer to understanding that, than ever.

I often feel that maybe I have problems with letting go... letting people go, letting feelings go, letting situations go. But in this letter my friend says that if our highest desires are to be with something then thats where we should be. And that we may not even like our highest desire, but alas there in it lies our present moment. And if we try to make it something it is not or try to make something that exists disappear we leave our true present and continue to live in an illusion.  Another words... maybe letting go is not  what I have the problem with... could it be perhaps that I have a problem with just accepting what is?  And by accepting life and it's circumstances can I be ok with the fact that I may have to be in a space that I don't "like"?  If something happens in my life that I don't "like"... What do I do? Change it! Transform it! Fix it! Get it to feel good, fast!... That may be where the silver lining is for me. I don't have to do anything but accept that these life experiences are my true present whether I "like" them or not.  The people around me are my true present because it was designed that way by the creator.  I don't have to cut the cord or discontinue the energy flow of relationships. That all is perfect at all times and everything that happens must happen for a higher good. Why? Because I believe this is where my growing is. And the more I try to avoid something, the more the universe will bring it to me to see and learn the lessons that I keep trying to push away.

Why would the Universe do such a thing? Some might ask. Because I keep asking it to.  I want to grow and be a better person everyday. I am brave and the universe knows I am ready for all the challenges, even when I might think the total opposite. We are all exactly where we are supposed to be, learning exactly what we are supposed to be learning. Changing every minute of everyday.

Tania

20 INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE BY THE DALAI LAMA

1.Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

3. Follow the three R’s:

-  Respect for self,

-  Respect for others and

-  Responsibility for all your actions.

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great relationship.

7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

8. Spend some time alone every day.

9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and

think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.

14. Share your knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality.

15. Be gentle with the earth.

16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.

17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

19. If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.

20. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.

Betrayal... forgiveness?

I felt a big betrayal recently. Not only a betrayal of the heart, but on my morals and principles. I consider myself an extremely tolerant person, that's what life has made out of me through all my difficult experiences. It has made me a person that sees beyond the natural understanding of things. I have allowed since I was a child the most horrifying of things pass by. Because I understood that some people just didn't know any better. But now as an adult I've learned that people do know better. That just like me, people have choices and they make those choices with their full conscious and awareness. This recent person knew inch by inch what mattered to me, what would wound me, what would break my heart. And with their own conscience they made that choice. And so I lay here night after night with the pieces that are left, trying to find a way to mend them, to heal them. To let those pieces know that they are not to blame for the break, even when they were the ones who broke in the end. The nights are slow and the days not as bright. And I wonder how do I forgive when there is so much anger and sadness in me. How do I forgive when I realize that I allowed this to happen?

Eleanor Roosevelt once said "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"
So... How do I forgive him for treating me inferior?... How do I forgive myself for giving him consent?

Paintings

As I take down my paintings from the wall I start getting nauseous. It is a lot harder than I expected. I never meant to sell them, you see.  I'm not sure if I ever meant for anyone else to even like them. It scares me to think that I won't sell any... the same exact way that it scares me to think that I will. I don't know if I will feel the same way about other work I do from here on now... But those particular paintings are from specific moments in my life. One of them is a panic attack I had when I experienced a very intense situation with one of the first men I loved. And I think it is funny that it's usually everyones favorite. How could I explain to someone how that felt? Who could understand someone wanting to explain how that felt? Second by second, beat by beat exactly what my body went through in that one night. Another one I made one day was while being angry at myself for not being the good enough artist that I wanted to be. So I threw all the colors of paint I had on a canvas and angrily spread the paint with my hands and fingers. I for sure thought this one would end up in the trash, but I didn't toss it and let it dry instead. My latest one I did almost exactly a year ago. On Valentine's Day all my friends got these amazing flower arrangements and gifts from every admirer they had. I didn't even get a stem. And for a second there I felt bad about myself. Like I had done something wrong in the world and was being punished by being thrown in my face how much better women my friends around me were. And then I said... Fuck Flowers Tania! You don't need a flower to make you feel good about who you are. You like building things, fixing things, and maybe you are not the most conventional girl... but you are not going to let this one stupid day make you feel bad for being who you are, if you want flowers so badly you can go and buy yourself some. You don't need approval from anyone to feel good.

If people would know how many things I have angrily thrown at my paintings, how many times I have cried through but didn't stop painting, how much thought I put to every single detail... If they would know that I only paint because I don't know words to express how I feel about certain things. That sometimes I have no one to talk to about those things but that silent canvas. If that would happen no one would want me to price them.  How do you price moments like that?

Van Gogh (my favorite painter) only sold one painting in his lifetime and painted 860 oil paints. He never lost faith in his art... he lost faith in himself.