Disconnected

Lately I've been wanting to disconnect from life and the world. This happens to me every once in a while. I think this is partly part of my creative process. This is usually the moment when life makes the less sense and because I can't make logic of anything... I chose to disappear/disconnect. I usually have nothing interesting to say or energy to entertain thoughts or people. That's why I usually lay away in the dark preferably. Usually this is followed by great discovery or release of some sort. Accompanied by... ART! It is a very difficult time. And difficult to explain to people that want to be there for me, difficult for me to explain... there is nothing to be here for because there is nothing to be done or said. Just time to be spent with my soul.

I was reading a letter a friend wrote to me back in '07, in it he says something that I am still trying to take in. And I think today I may be closer to understanding that, than ever.

I often feel that maybe I have problems with letting go... letting people go, letting feelings go, letting situations go. But in this letter my friend says that if our highest desires are to be with something then thats where we should be. And that we may not even like our highest desire, but alas there in it lies our present moment. And if we try to make it something it is not or try to make something that exists disappear we leave our true present and continue to live in an illusion.  Another words... maybe letting go is not  what I have the problem with... could it be perhaps that I have a problem with just accepting what is?  And by accepting life and it's circumstances can I be ok with the fact that I may have to be in a space that I don't "like"?  If something happens in my life that I don't "like"... What do I do? Change it! Transform it! Fix it! Get it to feel good, fast!... That may be where the silver lining is for me. I don't have to do anything but accept that these life experiences are my true present whether I "like" them or not.  The people around me are my true present because it was designed that way by the creator.  I don't have to cut the cord or discontinue the energy flow of relationships. That all is perfect at all times and everything that happens must happen for a higher good. Why? Because I believe this is where my growing is. And the more I try to avoid something, the more the universe will bring it to me to see and learn the lessons that I keep trying to push away.

Why would the Universe do such a thing? Some might ask. Because I keep asking it to.  I want to grow and be a better person everyday. I am brave and the universe knows I am ready for all the challenges, even when I might think the total opposite. We are all exactly where we are supposed to be, learning exactly what we are supposed to be learning. Changing every minute of everyday.

Tania