Mortality?

I guess I really did need to disconnect. Last time I wrote was last June, almost a year ago.  I can't sleep tonight.  I have so much in my head running around.  I can't help to keep thinking of mortality.  I think about it more than the average person. I keep thinking about the fears I have and how insignificant they seem when I think about mortality. If we all lived aware that one day we would die... Would we be afraid of choices? Afraid of opening ourselves up to new promising love? Would we be afraid of trying new things? Would we be afraid of the choices we have made for ourselves even when they don't make logical sense?  Would we be afraid of the good? Would we be afraid of the bad? Would fear even exist?

If I knew I was going to die tomorrow I would seek pain to feel one last time. I'd seek love, the biggest and most intense kind to experience one more time. I would remember the best people I've met and want to spend the rest of time with them. I would eat the best food money could buy and would not skip a meal. I would write a letter to everyone that has loved me and thank them. I would touch people more often, give more hugs.  I would be more compassionate for other people's choices.  I would be more giving. I would be more trusting. I'd love more people.  I'd give more peace and avoid doubt.  I would talk less and listen more.  

So why is it so hard to live like that now?


Tania