25 Pieces of Advice to my Younger Self

1. First thing you should know is that you will live till 28 at the very least. :)
2. All the pain you go through will make you an incredible human being. So take the pain and make something beautiful with it.  You'll figure it out.

3. Childhood will suck... Adulthood will make up for it.

4. Do not get into that elevator by yourself, you will get lost and cry a lot. If you do... don't worry Honey will find you in the nick of time.
5. Don't believe people when they say that scar on your leg is from bitting your nails... you will find out the hard way it was a lie.

6. Let Abuelo Reyes kiss you as much as he wants. Don't wipe the kiss off. One day you'll give anything for one of those wet kisses.

7. Don't eat any stew at Grampa's house... It's made from your pet rabbits.

8. As much as you will hate moving... it will serve as practice for all the moves you'll make.  Let that be.  You'll love your adventurous moving life.
9. It will take you a very long time to learn to defend yourself... Some idiot adults will be very mean to you. Just remember these two words FUCK OFF.
10. Look for the good teachers, they will be an important guide in your life.
11. When fighting your sister... just hold on to the hope that one day you'll be taller than her.

12. DO NOT WATCH CHUCKY!!!

13.  You have a gift of jumping into the abyss. Never listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. To win big you must be willing to gamble big.  Do it intelligently, but don't over think it.
14. Anyone that tells you 'you think too much' thinks too little.
15. You will experiment religions a lot.  No matter what church you are in.  Mormon, Catholic, Episcopal, Anglican, with the Buddhist, Christians, or the Krishnas always remember to pray.  Prayer will be your guiding light all the way through.

16. I only have one advice with boys.  You will get (in the future) boys who say the following words to you "I don't want a relationship". As soon as this happens... jump out of the moving car, walk out of the restaurant, hang up the phone.  These guys will be too narrow minded and completely wrong for you. So save yourself the trouble my love. They will not be worth it in the end.

17. Every time you feel like saying I love you to a person say it. Trust me... You'll learn very soon that people are on borrowed time.
18. You will feel like there is something wrong with you for many years... you will give it different names.  People will tell you that you are crazy and a hypochondriac.  You will feel frustrated and alone. Doctors will diagnose you with everything and they will all be wrong.  Just keep looking... One day you yourself will figure it out and everything will make sense. Just know you were right from the very beginning.
19. Gift giving is your gift.

20. You will grow out of that ugly phase. 

21. Trust the Universe.
22. You will feel responsible for people.  But your only job is to be responsible for yourself. The rest will happen as a result.
23. Allow beautiful connections to happen and let them go.
24. Someone will tell you 'If you don't read you won't succeed'. Believe him. Read a lot.
25. You have the most amazing instincts. Always follow them.  Above your brain and your heart... your instincts will always carry your absolute truth.

Oh! PS- LOVE your curly hair.  It's one of the things that will always make you unique. And really hot guys have a thing for curly hair (you'll understand this last sentence in your mid-twenties). 

I was wrong

I was told I was wrong
so many times
I believed it

My instincts got blinded
by everything
my strength weakened

I wanted to change all of me
and fit into you
because I thought I was wrong

My fearlessness kept me going
my hard head refused to settle
Even though I was convinced I was wrong

I fought with myself
I watched myself bleed
but even being wrong felt wrong

I kept my search
through the wrongness
and kept fighting with all my strength

I knocked down all possibilities
I accepted all the help I could get
Buddha, Krishna, Jesus... whoever I need help.

Then a sudden reassurance
A sudden peace
was delivered to me

Maybe no one will ever believe
Maybe I'll always be popularly wrong
But it no longer diminishes who I am

Because now I know with all my might
I was wrong about being right.

Not today

Things have changed
They shouldn't have
I'm trying to hold on to every last bit
But I am not as strong as I wish

When love shows up
I cannot shut the door
Sometimes my heart tells me
It cannot handle it at all
I don't listen

I was born willing
To try
To jump into the nothingness
To love a stranger
To hold on to an ex
I was born with the will to do that

Sometimes
I wish I had the will to say no

I fight it everyday
Because I wonder
How much can my heart take
How much can my body resist

I am stronger than any of them
This I know
But I want someone stronger than me
So I don't have to hold on for two

Because my hands hurt
Because my torso is being ripped by the weight
Because I don't need to

I chose to hold on
Because of love
And understanding
I have too much of that
We can agree

I'm sorry that I have loved you too much
And loved me so little

One day this will all make sense
Just not today

Tania

Mortality?

I guess I really did need to disconnect. Last time I wrote was last June, almost a year ago.  I can't sleep tonight.  I have so much in my head running around.  I can't help to keep thinking of mortality.  I think about it more than the average person. I keep thinking about the fears I have and how insignificant they seem when I think about mortality. If we all lived aware that one day we would die... Would we be afraid of choices? Afraid of opening ourselves up to new promising love? Would we be afraid of trying new things? Would we be afraid of the choices we have made for ourselves even when they don't make logical sense?  Would we be afraid of the good? Would we be afraid of the bad? Would fear even exist?

If I knew I was going to die tomorrow I would seek pain to feel one last time. I'd seek love, the biggest and most intense kind to experience one more time. I would remember the best people I've met and want to spend the rest of time with them. I would eat the best food money could buy and would not skip a meal. I would write a letter to everyone that has loved me and thank them. I would touch people more often, give more hugs.  I would be more compassionate for other people's choices.  I would be more giving. I would be more trusting. I'd love more people.  I'd give more peace and avoid doubt.  I would talk less and listen more.  

So why is it so hard to live like that now?


Tania