I was wrong

I was told I was wrong
so many times
I believed it

My instincts got blinded
by everything
my strength weakened

I wanted to change all of me
and fit into you
because I thought I was wrong

My fearlessness kept me going
my hard head refused to settle
Even though I was convinced I was wrong

I fought with myself
I watched myself bleed
but even being wrong felt wrong

I kept my search
through the wrongness
and kept fighting with all my strength

I knocked down all possibilities
I accepted all the help I could get
Buddha, Krishna, Jesus... whoever I need help.

Then a sudden reassurance
A sudden peace
was delivered to me

Maybe no one will ever believe
Maybe I'll always be popularly wrong
But it no longer diminishes who I am

Because now I know with all my might
I was wrong about being right.

Not today

Things have changed
They shouldn't have
I'm trying to hold on to every last bit
But I am not as strong as I wish

When love shows up
I cannot shut the door
Sometimes my heart tells me
It cannot handle it at all
I don't listen

I was born willing
To try
To jump into the nothingness
To love a stranger
To hold on to an ex
I was born with the will to do that

Sometimes
I wish I had the will to say no

I fight it everyday
Because I wonder
How much can my heart take
How much can my body resist

I am stronger than any of them
This I know
But I want someone stronger than me
So I don't have to hold on for two

Because my hands hurt
Because my torso is being ripped by the weight
Because I don't need to

I chose to hold on
Because of love
And understanding
I have too much of that
We can agree

I'm sorry that I have loved you too much
And loved me so little

One day this will all make sense
Just not today

Tania