27 Things I've Learned in 27 Years

1. Parents are as imperfect as me
2. Moving is a tough lifestyle
3. Fighting is useless
4. Grandparents make up the best and coolest bedtime stories. My grandma had me hooked on this trilogy about a hot dog lost in a city. Twilight can suck it.
5. Scars are not the result of biting your nails
6. I should have NEVER watched Chucky
7. Masturbation is a gift of God and there is no need for therapy on this behalf
8.  Reading is exactly like wine... an acquired taste that becomes addictive
9. When I get nervous I get gassy
10. I would have married Galileo Galilei
11. I feel best when surrounded by nature
12. People are not here forever, so say I love you at least once before they go
13. Money ALWAYS comes when it needs to and leaves the same exact way
14. I love being alone
15. A flight to Europe beats any stupid Sweet Quinceanera party
16. Driving fast and dangerously can be very very fun
17. I am short (according to taller people)
18. Crying hysterically and thinking you are completely insane on your first day living in New York City is an artistic tradition practiced by many. This was confirmed by Phylicia Rashad
19. Grand Central Station was witness to the most romantic thing any man has done for me
20. Love has no right way... and no fucking instruction manual (trust me I've looked)
21. Being 21 is soooo overrated
22. 18 should be the cut off age for mixing tequila, beer, vodka, whiskey, rum and car-bombs... (Still technically working on this one)
23. I have a very intense weakness for surfers and salty skin
24. Rainbows are signs of God
25. Home is where your feet are
26. People you love don't have to stay in your life forever. You can love from afar.
27. It feels great to look at your fears and just say "Suck my Dick!" (my favorite curse phrase)

I found a letter I wrote to myself a year ago

Dear Tania:

First of all I would like to thank you for being a warrior. You have endured many adversities with your head held high and a smile on your face.  Don't allow your mind to take the best of you. You trusted that your destiny is written and that you are a mere instrument to accomplish that mission. Look at your life as that mission and let go of everything else. You have allowed yourself to open your heart to people that even within their own destiny and human conditions make you a better person. You have allowed yourself to love unconditionally. You have allowed yourself to forgive unconditionally. You have allowed yourself to be how God wanted you to be.

                                                                    You trusted.
                                                                Every bit of my love
                                                                    Tania Maria

Stranger's Eyes

It's beautiful when you find your way back through the eyes of someone else. When you meet a stranger and everything they say realigns your soul back into place. Almost as if the Universe sent a messenger to pick you up and push you forward. When someone with certainty tells you their faith in you and the greatness that they perceive from you just by their own instincts without an agenda or an expectation is when your own eyes open. Their light shines at you and heals you, even if just for a minute. When you meet those wondering eyes in the world... you think to yourself that falling down was worth it. Because you yourself are the one seeing the mirror. Which means that what picked you up is only what you see in yourself. No one can save you from you. If you stood up... then you've come a long way.

Crazy

As I got out of the airplane from my vacation I felt nauseous. Was I really going to do this? On my way to the bathroom I felt the need to cry. I went in the stall with my carry-on suitcase and began to sob. I just stood there with my hands on my face asking myself if I had gone mad. I had decided to leave my jobs and everything I know in pursuit of my dream.  Putting it all out there so that the universe could help me or break me. But even that severe anxiety couldn't take away the feeling of knowing that this was the right decision for me. I was scared and I allowed to let myself be scared. In that fear I saw all my limitations. I saw everything about me that constantly holds myself back.  I began to doubt myself, my abilities, my instincts, my talents... I began repeating out loud every horrible thing anyone has ever told me about myself that I believed.  Then I remembered the present moment. I looked around and saw the stall, saw my suitcase and the toilet paper filled with fear tears. I remembered what all my guides had emphasized... "Live in the now". And for the very first time I understood it. All I had to do for now was to get something to eat because I was hungry. I didn't have to solve my life in that bathroom that day. And so I bravely took the first step to the rest of my life. I walked out of that stall.

Abandonment

I have been learning about myself through some pretty incredible people I have had the pleasure of getting to know.  My feelings of abandonment have changed form in the past few months.  As most of you know feelings of abandonment in a child (carrying on to adulthood) can be caused through many reasons. Mine was the most common one: divorce. 

I have seen over the years that piece of me feeling like everyone at one point or another leaves your life. So for a long time I thought no one was worth spending time with, if they were eventually going to leave. And the times I couldn't avoid someone I would do anything in my power to abandon them. So I could feel abandoned by them, even though I was the one pushing them away. 

Little by little I have been learning that there are more people in life that want and desire to stay. But only if you allow yourself the opportunity. I think that abandonment is an illusion, it may very well feel absolutely real but it is not concrete.  When I put myself in the other people's position and think of all the people I have had a connection with or I have loved in my life; it is then when I realize I never left them. They exist in me.  I would never abandon them. So that must mean that there's a possibility that people in turn feel that way about me.  I like to think you can push away a body, but the souls know better. 

So now instead of leaving I am looking forward to staying. To appreciating the people who have stayed and stuck it out with me when I have tried to push them away. I know it's a long road to travel ahead and many bad habits to conquer. But I look forward to not feeling abandoned anymore. 

Why is it that it is so hard for me to let things flow?

Fear I suppose... If it's true what they say that 'We fear the things that already happened' then it must be fear of visiting a certain feeling or state of mind that I have been in before. Shouldn't I get used to a feeling with time? Wouldn't it make more sense to be less afraid of it? But somehow being so familiar to a feeling that I 'dislike' makes me try an avoid that particular feeling.  I guess the next logical question would be to ask myself: Why do I dislike that feeling? Maybe because someone told me that being sad was bad and I believed it. Maybe because people I trusted made mistakes and I saw that as betrayal.  The interesting thing is, no matter how much I try to avoid something... nothing is avoidable. Everything happens how it must no matter how much we try to change it. Love happens, sad happens, mistakes happen, happy happens, fear happens... So if I skip the 'avoiding the feeling' and let things flow how they will, even if I am afraid. Maybe my path will become more clear. With less noise...