Abandonment

I have been learning about myself through some pretty incredible people I have had the pleasure of getting to know.  My feelings of abandonment have changed form in the past few months.  As most of you know feelings of abandonment in a child (carrying on to adulthood) can be caused through many reasons. Mine was the most common one: divorce. 

I have seen over the years that piece of me feeling like everyone at one point or another leaves your life. So for a long time I thought no one was worth spending time with, if they were eventually going to leave. And the times I couldn't avoid someone I would do anything in my power to abandon them. So I could feel abandoned by them, even though I was the one pushing them away. 

Little by little I have been learning that there are more people in life that want and desire to stay. But only if you allow yourself the opportunity. I think that abandonment is an illusion, it may very well feel absolutely real but it is not concrete.  When I put myself in the other people's position and think of all the people I have had a connection with or I have loved in my life; it is then when I realize I never left them. They exist in me.  I would never abandon them. So that must mean that there's a possibility that people in turn feel that way about me.  I like to think you can push away a body, but the souls know better. 

So now instead of leaving I am looking forward to staying. To appreciating the people who have stayed and stuck it out with me when I have tried to push them away. I know it's a long road to travel ahead and many bad habits to conquer. But I look forward to not feeling abandoned anymore.