Abandonment

I have been learning about myself through some pretty incredible people I have had the pleasure of getting to know.  My feelings of abandonment have changed form in the past few months.  As most of you know feelings of abandonment in a child (carrying on to adulthood) can be caused through many reasons. Mine was the most common one: divorce. 

I have seen over the years that piece of me feeling like everyone at one point or another leaves your life. So for a long time I thought no one was worth spending time with, if they were eventually going to leave. And the times I couldn't avoid someone I would do anything in my power to abandon them. So I could feel abandoned by them, even though I was the one pushing them away. 

Little by little I have been learning that there are more people in life that want and desire to stay. But only if you allow yourself the opportunity. I think that abandonment is an illusion, it may very well feel absolutely real but it is not concrete.  When I put myself in the other people's position and think of all the people I have had a connection with or I have loved in my life; it is then when I realize I never left them. They exist in me.  I would never abandon them. So that must mean that there's a possibility that people in turn feel that way about me.  I like to think you can push away a body, but the souls know better. 

So now instead of leaving I am looking forward to staying. To appreciating the people who have stayed and stuck it out with me when I have tried to push them away. I know it's a long road to travel ahead and many bad habits to conquer. But I look forward to not feeling abandoned anymore. 

Why is it that it is so hard for me to let things flow?

Fear I suppose... If it's true what they say that 'We fear the things that already happened' then it must be fear of visiting a certain feeling or state of mind that I have been in before. Shouldn't I get used to a feeling with time? Wouldn't it make more sense to be less afraid of it? But somehow being so familiar to a feeling that I 'dislike' makes me try an avoid that particular feeling.  I guess the next logical question would be to ask myself: Why do I dislike that feeling? Maybe because someone told me that being sad was bad and I believed it. Maybe because people I trusted made mistakes and I saw that as betrayal.  The interesting thing is, no matter how much I try to avoid something... nothing is avoidable. Everything happens how it must no matter how much we try to change it. Love happens, sad happens, mistakes happen, happy happens, fear happens... So if I skip the 'avoiding the feeling' and let things flow how they will, even if I am afraid. Maybe my path will become more clear. With less noise...